Complex Grief: Its Impact on Work and Regaining Work Capacity

Sometimes, grief goes far beyond gut-wrenching sadness. It leaves you drowning in a sea of confusion, anger, anxiety, deep pain, and surprisingly, relief. This is not grief from death alone. It is grief tied to the loss of family, belonging, identity, safety, and closure. It is what Erin Watson, who works with family systems, calls "scapegoat grief."

This is a grief that is

·        complex, because it has trauma attached to it

·        ambiguous, because the person grieving cannot clearly see the trauma in their body that is attached to the person who passed away, whom they are grieving

·        disenfranchised, because family and society do not give the grieving person permission to recognize or speak of the trauma (from abuse) that is attached to the grief.

In this blog, I am sharing

·        What is complex grief?

·        How does it compare to normal grief?

·        How does complex grief affect your work?

·        What can you do to regain your work capacity?

Also, for easy understanding, I am focused on leaders whose work capacity is affected because of the covert abuse they endured from a parent when they were growing up, and how you can regain capacity while grieving.

What is complex (traumatic, ambiguous, disenfranchised) grief?

You experience complex grief if you were a child in a dysfunctional family system, where you were manipulatively blamed, discredited, or iced out. You were labeled the “black sheep.”

In some families, abuse is covert. A parent may hide behind well-meaning words, claiming they are "disciplining" you while withholding support and falsely blaming you. This is confusing to a child. Such a parent typically targets the child who dares to call out unfair treatment. It is like the "Whistleblower Retaliation" but within the family.

When other family members join in and tell the same false version of events, you start to doubt your own lived experience. It’s called triangulation.

As an adult, you may think that you had a fabulous childhood. But you may feel intense anxiety at the thought of visiting this abusive parent or those who support them.

If the world thinks your parent is mean and cruel, you can have some protection or acknowledgment of truth from outsiders. But if those around you think the parent is "morally good" while you are being intentionally hurt, you carry that invisible wound alone. And when that abusive parent dies, it triggers a new level of internal distress. You may feel safe yet alone. You may feel relief, but it is mixed with guilt.

How does complex (traumatic, ambiguous, disenfranchised) grief differ from normal grief?

#1. In a healthy family, children see parents respect boundaries and support dreams. In an unhealthy family, there is obvious dysfunction. Parents may be selfish or addicted to alcohol, but the children know the truth: "My family sucks."

But in a covertly dysfunctional family, abuse is hidden. The abusive parent will minimize, disregard, or abandon a targeted child. The child who is the “prized possession” will be protected, and you and other siblings in the family will be expected to protect this child. To everyone, even you, it may seem like you have a devoted father or mother. And you are the problem. But that is not true. It is a façade.

And rather than addressing this wickedness of the abuser, the family picks the child the abusive parent has targeted, and this one child is consciously or unconsciously assigned the role of carrying the blame for the family’s distress. Over time, this creates deep internal wounds in the scapegoat child. Now, as an adult leader, with the parents’ death, suddenly, you may find yourself having self-doubt, shame, and false guilt.

You may always be hyperalert, confused about what is true, and find it difficult to trust what you feel. The grief is more complex because it is often mixed with trauma. Trauma that you cannot articulate but can feel.

#2. In healthy families, when a parent passes away, siblings come together to support each other. Even when death is natural, grief takes time. But usually, after a few months or a year, they can reorganize and function as they did before.

But complex, disenfranchised grief is different. Here, the family may prioritize "DNA loyalty" over truth and love. So no one in the family will acknowledge your experience. You may even be isolated or ostracized by family members who mimic the abusive parent. All of this profoundly affects work capacity.

How does complex (traumatic, ambiguous, disenfranchised) grief affect your work?

At work, this internal chaos shows up in specific ways:

·        You find yourself unable to judge or prioritize under pressure.

·        There may be a change in how you interpret conflict and who you trust.

·        You may become hyper-sensitive to perceived threats or unable to tolerate ambiguity.

·        Leading people becomes incredibly draining, eventually leading to burnout.

·        Once empathetic, you may now be unaware of any needs others have to do their job well.

This happens because you aren't just grieving a person; you are grieving the family you never had, the safety you never felt, and the false identity around shame and blame that the family put on you. Unlike conventional grief, there is no funeral for these invisible losses.

What can you do to regain your work capacity?

If you find yourself caught up in complex grief, here are five things you can do to manage your work capacity.

1. Name the Grief.

Language reduces confusion. When you say, "I am grieving the loss of safety; I was my family’s scapegoat," your nervous system begins to organize around the truth. Truth is freeing.

2. Separate Grief from Self-Blame to Identify your False Guilt.

Conduct an objective audit of the past. Do this with a professional, as it can be very triggering.

·        Divide your life into five-year chunks.

·        Complete the ACE, Adverse Childhood Experience assessment, and Life Events Checklist.

I have provided the links to it below.

·        Then, answer these three questions: 

o   Did I feel safe and protected with each of my parents and siblings?

o   Did I feel loved by each of my parents and siblings?

o   Did I feel betrayed or abandoned by each of my parents and siblings?

You may see a pattern emerging right here. I highly recommend working with a trauma-informed therapist who respects you through vulnerability, defers expertise on your experiences to you, validates you, is accepting of your values and beliefs, and understands you.

Also, if you are plagued with guilt about whether or not you were a good son or daughter, reframe your engagement with your parent.  Instead of asking, 'Did I give enough?', evaluate the proportion of your emotional energy and capital that you invested. Chances are, you committed a high percentage of your available bandwidth to a family that offered a far lower percentage in return. 

Remember this: Childhood scapegoating subconsciously teaches you to minimize your investment and amplify the proportionately small gifts you got from the abusive parent or others who mimic them. This is a subconscious safety strategy.

3. Protect Your Work Capacity Intentionally.

This time will be triggering. So schedule recovery time after difficult meetings.

·        Use apps like Breathwrk or practice box breathing to calm your nervous system.

·        Use movement, music, nutrition, and nature.

·        If you are a person of faith, reading the Psalms or Job aloud can bring calm.

4. Integrate your Body, Mind, and Spirit.

Be in sync with what you think, feel, and do. A good way to begin is by noticing your physical reactions. Did your palms sweat when someone said something in a meeting? Or, did your chest tighten? Don’t dismiss it. Your body is in "fight or flight."

Later, think through why that specific moment triggered you. Let your mind be present for your body’s reactions. You may not have an immediate answer for why your body flooded with cortisol in a fight-or-flight response, but you are now aware of it. It will help you start to reconcile with what happened to you and shift from thinking it is who you are.

5. Use our SCRIBE Framework

The tool I use to help my clients regain work capacity while navigating complex grief is our SCRIBE framework. It might help you, too. You can find it here: SCRIBE Framework. You can also learn about it in the video here: Video explaining SCRIBE Framework.

Regaining work capacity is not linear. A strategy that works today may need to be changed tomorrow.

If you are wondering if you have complex grief, here is a link to our checklist designed to help you recognize how complex grief, especially grief linked to prolonged family stress, invalidation, trauma, or scapegoating, may be affecting your body, emotions, and work capacity.

But here is the good news. Healing from this grief can deepen your empathy and transform how you build work culture and recognize invisible pain in others.

So, if you are confused and hurting, your feelings are normal. It is the right emotion to have. It is your body, mind, and spirit acknowledging the truth. Give yourself permission to live in that truth. It will free you. In the short run, you will protect your work capacity; in the long run, you will thrive.

Short Q&A

What is covert parental abuse?

Covert parental abuse is a form of emotional or psychological abuse that is hidden, indirect, or difficult for others to recognize, even though it causes real harm to the child.

Unlike overt abuse, it may not involve visible violence or obvious cruelty. Instead, it often happens through patterns of control, manipulation, blame, and emotional invalidation that are disguised as care, discipline, or “what’s best for you.”

Covert parental abuse may include:

·        Gaslighting: telling the child their memories, feelings, or perceptions are wrong

·        Triangulation: using siblings or other family members to isolate or blame one child

·        Scapegoating: assigning one child the role of “the problem” for family distress

·        Silent treatment / Withdrawal of affection: withholding love to control behavior

·        Chronic criticism: repeated shaming, belittling, or humiliation

·        Emotional enmeshment: making the child responsible for the parent’s emotional needs

·        Public façade / Private harm: appearing loving to others while harming the child privately

Does complex (traumatic, ambiguous, and disenfranchised) grief affect everyone at work the same way?

Compared to general work teams, complex grief may have a greater impact on C-suite leaders, professionals, and business owners because their roles demand continuous decision-making, leadership presence, and high-stakes performance under pressure.

Do leaders experience complex (traumatic, ambiguous, and disenfranchised) grief?

Yes — many leaders may experience complex grief that is shaped by covert childhood abuse, and the leaders with histories of covert childhood abuse may be more vulnerable to traumatic, ambiguous, and disenfranchised grief later in adulthood, especially after the loss of a parent or family member.

What are the strengths of leaders who experience childhood trauma?

Some of the most effective leaders grew up with significant childhood adversity. While childhood trauma is never something anyone would choose, the process of surviving and integrating those experiences builds within them a set of "superpowers" in adulthood. Some of these superpowers are high empathy, high intuition, resilience, grit, hyperawareness, pattern recognition, creativity, adaptability, and resourcefulness. They are also usually authentic, justice-oriented, and purpose-driven.

Dr. Shalini Jebasingh is a trauma-informed Critical Stress Management Coach for Regaining Work Capacity, Values-Based Organizational Trainer, Biblical Workplace and Leadership Scholar, Developer of the proprietary theoretical SCRIBE Framework for regaining work capacity, Developer of the proprietary research-based, validated Love in Leadership Assessment, Founder of Eirene Group, and Founder of Bible at Work. To book an appointment with Dr. Shalini Jebasingh for regaining work capacity while going through complex grief, visit our Complex Grief webpage.