The Unexpected Curve Ball to Leading with Love

In my last post, I wrote about James Autry’s leadership and leading with love.

But if you are under critical stress right now, or managing PTSD or complex PTSD triggers, that message may have felt out of reach.

You know you care about people. But you don’t feel it, and your triggers sure don’t show it.

So the question becomes: Can you still lead with love? Can you still care for your team or customers?

The answer is yes.

Loving others while under critical stress or trauma is not theoretical for me. I had to work through my own cPTSD while leading teams. What I learned is simple but important: love does not disappear under stress or trauma; our capacity to love decreases.

Leadership outcomes exist on a continuum. At one end are life-giving outcomes, what I often call heaven on earth. At the other end are outcomes that feel heavy, constricting, and destructive. Many leaders want to move people toward the life-giving end. Leading with love does exactly that. It creates healthier, happier, and more productive workplaces.

But your prolonged stress changes what the nervous system can support. Your values do not change. Mine did not change. If you pause and reflect, you will see that yours have not changed either. Who you are at your core remains intact. What changes is your nervous system’s tolerance.

Under critical stress or trauma, the body prioritizes safety. A simple comment can trigger fight, flight, freeze, or fawn responses. When this happens, the prefrontal cortex—the part of the brain responsible for empathy, flexibility, and sound judgment—goes offline.

This is not a moral failure. This is not abandonment of values. This is biology.

You may want to show patience or care, but find you cannot; instead, you become irritable. Love is still present, but access to it is temporarily closed, not permanently shut.

This often shows up in leadership behavior. In my earlier post, I wrote about equity, what Autry called “special treatment for everyone.” But equity requires energy and a functioning prefrontal cortex to notice context, understand individual needs, and respond flexibly.

Under critical stress, that energy feels unavailable, and the prefrontal cortex is inaccessible. Routines feel safer. Rules feel protective. Flexibility feels risky. Your tram may find you becoming more rigid, more distant, and more rule-bound, not because you no longer care, but because the nervous system is prioritizing survival.

Decision-making is affected as well. Stress distorts time and urgency. Risk feels immediate and catastrophic. Ambiguity feels intolerable. Control can feel safer than collaboration and avoidance may bring relief instead of decision-making.

This is not a failure of leadership. It is survival driving the system.

Imagine a parent caught in a forest fire with their children. There is no room for negotiation or flexibility. Commands are clear and immediate, not because the parent is unloving, but because lives are at stake.

That is what critical stress does. The brain’s smoke alarm stays on. The amygdala remains on high alert, over-detecting threat. Even small triggers activate survival responses.

For leaders, this makes planning, data analysis, and understanding people’s needs feel exhausting. The body is focused on protection, of self, of the team members who feel safe, and of the work’s purpose.

So if your capacity feels reduced and your reactivity increased, hear this clearly:

You are not abandoning your values.You are not failing ethically.

You are experiencing real biological and structural changes in your nervous system.

Leaders under critical stress are often deeply responsible and highly ethical. They are also, privately, exhausted.

What helps?

There is no single solution, but there are practical steps that support recovery and restore capacity. I will share three of them here.

First, use grounding tools that bring you back to the present when your nervous system signals danger inaccurately. Simple sensory inputs, such as holding a cup of ice, can help reorient the system. These tools do not fix everything, but they help restore access to thinking.

Second, rebuild nervous system capacity gradually. Go slowly and consistently. Sleep when you can; sleep is reparative. Eat well. Move your body in ways that support your body, mind, and spirit. This season will pass; you will regain capacity.

Third, do not do this alone. A therapist, psychiatrist, and a critical-stress coach for work can help. Choose professionals you trust. If you do not feel understood, find someone else. Their job is to understand you.

Alongside professional support, a trusted colleague who can help reality-check decisions when stress narrows your thinking can be invaluable.

As critical stress resolves, capacity returns. Clear thinking returns. And love becomes easier to express again, not through effort, but through recovery.

When the nervous system stabilizes, the love you bring to leadership is not fragile. It is backed by strength, courage, and resolve.

Dr. Shalini Jebasingh is a trauma-informed Critical Stress Management Coach and Values-Based Organizational Trainer, the Founder of Eirene Group and Bible at Work, and the developer of the SCRIBE Framework and the Love in Leadership Assessment.

 Explore: SCRIBE Framework | Love in Leadership Assessment | Bible at Work | To invite Dr. Shalini Jebasingh to speak at a conference or to your team at work, email hello@eirene-group.com.